The topic of your parents passing away is not a particularly easy one to talk about or deal with (unless you have a full terrible mother). Kate and I starting thinking about this more than a decade in advance, but we thought about it more from the emotional and sentimental angle. We did not sufficiently consider the technical side until it was nearly too late. This article contains some thoughts on preparing for the passing of your parents. My hope is that this will help children and parents prepare emotionally and technically for this occurrence.

My father slowly died of cancer over half a decade; he thought and planned for his passing to make it easier for my mother. He gave up a lot of his retirement time trying to make sure mom would be OK. I worked with him on their house trying to get it complete for mom for hundreds of hours. He made decisions for his pension that left them with a little less money while he was alive and more money for mom after he passed. I do not know if he gathered planning information for mom, but I suspect that he did some of that too.

Mom did some estate planning in advance for us. At one point, my mother and father had a will, but she went through and changed that to work another way. This was fine, but I was executor of the will and still had an old copy. It might have been helpful to know that she did this. What she did do was try to arrange her assets to have beneficiaries and collect relevant information together in a safe. As she started to lose her memory and capabilities, this process faltered. At the end, she had most of what we needed in a fire safe that my brother managed to open. We had to sort through it, but most of it was there. Unfortunately, not everything was fully arranged.

Estate planning appears difficult for many people. It seems to be overwhelming in complexity, emotionally despair inducing, and/or expecting to have no assets at death. One of my aunts always had emotional trouble with this planning, but she made arrangements after seeing her sister’s decline and passing. My other aunt prepared in advance, but now that she is older, she is having trouble facing that she needs to update her plans. Dealing with my mother’s estate and closing out her life is a painful difficult process. If she had performed no advanced planning, it would be a nightmare. I know I am going to die, and I want to make arrangements that make life for my family as easy as possible. My opinion might change as I get older, but this is what I believe now.

The emotional planning is more about preparing, as a child, for your parent to pass. Kate and I thought about this in advance, and I tried to behave in such a way that I would have no regrets when my parents passed away. I did not succeed. I am a perfectionist, and there are small things that I still regret. On the whole, I think I did what I should have and needed to do. Looking back, there are things that I did not understand that I wish I had handled better.

It is important to understand and accept that your parents are probably going to pass away before you. This means that you are going to have a limited time to do things with them. There may be a point where they become physically or mentally unable to do things with you. Take the time to do things with them now.

Kate and I talked about, planned for, and executed this. We took our parents on cruises and road trips to build happy memories with photographic evidence. It does not have to be a cruise or a road trip; it could just be fishing or shopping. The important part is to do it at least a few times per year and be mentally and emotionally present for the event. Be engaged with your parent.

This is one of my regrets. Dad wanted to go fishing. I went, but I was not really present or engaged. I got bored and wandered, so we stopped fishing after about 45 minutes. It was the last time we fished together. I never cared for fishing, but he did. I regret that I did not spend that time with him. It was a memory I never made. It was a chance to learn about his life that I missed. It is a small regret, but I will always have it now.

I never really talked to my parents about their life. I know some details related to comments or discussions on specific topics, but not really about their life together and before us. I remember something about my father going to my mother’s place of employment to ask another woman out. That woman was not working that night, so he asked my mother out instead. I do not know if it is true or a joke. I have tidbits about their life and their work, but not a lot.

I regret that I did not learn more about who they were as people versus who they were as parents. I was just thinking of them as mom and dad. Take the time to talk to them as adults. Learn about who they are as people and who they were as people before you were there. This may be more difficult for people who are introverts versus extroverts.

As your parents get older, their mental and physical capabilities will decline. Dealing with this can be frustrating at times, but getting angry about it will just leave you with regrets or ruin your relationship.

The physical inability is easier to deal with. It can be difficult to be patient with slower movement speeds, reduced grip strength, and balance problems, but they are understandable. The mental inability is harder to handle. Understanding that your parent is not capable of understanding new concepts, managing their behavior, or remembering things can reduce your stress and anger. It does not make it less frustrating, but the behavior may have moved beyond a conscious ability stop. It is not an intentional or controllable action to make your life harder.

You might find that they are hiding their inability to handle situations, so you may need to be pushy and investigate. My mother claimed she was doing fine taking care of the stray cats that she housed, but she was not. Some of their living conditions were terrible. She would have ranted about how horrible that pet owner was, if she was in her right mind. This was my first indication of how poorly she was doing mentally and physically.

In a situation like this, you may have to take the role of the parent as your parent starts behaving more like a child. Reasoning with them may not the possible, you may just have to do what they need done, even if they complain about it or F-bomb you. There are limitations to what you can do, but you certainly can and should refuse to do things that are not in their best interest. Watching a parent decline because they refuse to take care of themselves is not easy or pleasant.

The technical side is harder to discuss and execute, but you will regret not doing this for a completely different reason than the emotional planning. There are several aspects to this – Power of Attorneys, Estate Planning, and Funeral Planning.

Kate and I worked with my mom and family to do some of these things, but we were nearly too late. Even with what we did, it could have ended worse than it did. These are things that should be considered before your parents are obviously declining. If you can, have these things done no later than their early to mid-sixties.

A power of attorney document gives someone the legal power to act on your behalf. There are two primary versions – financial and health care. The names, formats and requirements can vary by state and/or institution.

The health care power of attorney gives the named individuals the authority to make health care decisions for you, if you cannot make them yourself. Not being able to make decisions for yourself might include conditions such as non-responsive or dementia. If your parent does not have a spouse, you might want to arrange health care PoA for the parent with someone they trust, usually a family member. Just ask your parent, do you want a family member to make your health care decisions or a stranger? (Depending on the family member, they might prefer a stranger.) At least some states have generic forms that the relevant people can fill out, notarize, and keep copies available. For example, the Oklahoma healthcare PoA form is here. The name of the form may vary by state and website, for example, medical power of attorney is another name used for the form. An advanced directive is similar to this, and the advanced directive should include assigning health care power of attorney to someone. A copy of the advanced directive or health care PoA should be kept on hand for emergencies. Also check with their normal medical care facilities to see if you can file the document with them in advance.

The financial power of attorney document gives the named individuals the power to act in the best interest of the parent’s finances. For example, this will give the named individuals the legal power to pay bills for the parent from the parents accounts. This can reduce stress about not having enough money to pay your bills and your parents bills. You need this the most when the parent becomes unable to manage their own finances. There are two types of financial PoA – general and durable. The general PoA expires when the person is incapacitated, and the durable PoA remains in effect when the person is incapacitated. You need to make sure to have a durable financial PoA document. A caveat here is that many larger financial institutions have their own forms to do this. You may need to call the institution, fill out, and notarize a form for each financial institution with an account for your parent. It is important to remember that a financial PoA expires upon the death of the parent. This is why estate and funeral planning are important. It is imperative that the person selected to have financial PoA be ethical and trustworthy.

The eforms site has various power of attorney documents here. You can select the state and type of form. There is a “Create Document” button that allows you to enter information, pay, and download a form that is filled out. We printed a blank one by clicking the “PDF” button beside the “Create Document” button.

Ask your parents about how they want their estate handled. This is not a matter of greed. You are not asking – What do I get? You are asking – How do you want your assets distributed?

• Do you want to split assets equally?
• Do you want to leave some to charity?
• Do you want to be treated like a Pharaoh with all your belongings and mummified pets buried with you?
• Do you want someone specific to have a house, land, or car?
• Did someone help you with something and you want to thank them?

Whatever the answers, there are good and bad ways to ensure it happens. Doing nothing is usually the worst way.

A last will and testament are what most people think of for estate planning, but this may not be the best way. A will needs an to be filed, an executor designated, probate conducted, and can cost 2.5% of your assets. Some states have small estate handling laws and transfer on death available. Assets to which you assign beneficiaries or ToD override what you write in your will and may be excluded from the estate value for determining whether probate is required. By assigning beneficiaries to financial accounts and ToD to real-estate or titled property, you may be able to reduce your estate’s value to allow for small estate handling with no probate. This will vary by state, so you will need to research your state to determine what is possible. The state may require the small estate items to be solely owned in order to be transferred by small estate laws..

The first thing that needs to be done is to make a list of all important assets – real-estate, titled property (e.g., cars, trailers, and mobile homes), collections (e.g., art and coins), financial accounts (e.g., savings, checking, and investment), etc. The specific value of these is mostly important for the distribution of assets. Having a full lists allows you to determine the value of the estate for probate or small estate handling. Consider doing the following:

• Assign beneficiaries to all financial accounts, savings, checking, money market, CDs, and investment accounts. Contact the financial institution to find out how to do this. It is probably a form to mail or a form to submit as part of your account in their online portal.
• Talk to the county clerk (or relevant official in your state) to get a Transfer on Death Deed (or relevant option in your state) to assign beneficiaries for all real-estate.
• Talk to the DMV (or MVA) to arrange Transfer on Death for any titled vehicles. Not all states have this.
• You will have to do your own research for art, coin, stamp, or other collections. This was not a concern for us.

Make a record of the accounts, real estate, and other property along with who will (e.g., children, siblings, etc.) and how they (e.g., beneficiaries, TOD, or last wishes) inherit. File the record with this information in a known place and make sure the relevant people have copies. If you feel really generous, leave instructions, contact information, and blank copies of required forms to be filled out to by the beneficiaries. If there are still more assets than the maximum value for a small estate, you will also need a last will and testament. In Oklahoma, the small estate limit is $50,000, and a will must be filed with the district court. It is not clear whether the $50,000 for property and $50,000 for financial institutions is independent. Your state laws might vary. Even if an official legal will is not required, an unofficial will asking for personal effects to be split a certain way, certain personal items to certain people, and asking people to play nice might be a good idea.

You should also have a list of your online accounts (e.g., eMail, Amazon, Walmart, Audible, etc.), the login, and the password. Especially make sure you list any account that has an automatic charge. After you pass away, someone is going to have to fight with that company to stop charges unless they can log in to stop it from your account. This information should be protected because it can be abused. You could use a password program, such as KeePass or LastPass, and store the master password with your records of assets and beneficiaries (which should be in a secure place.) You could also write the login and password information in a small notebook stored with the asset and beneficiary documentation. They could be stored in a safe deposit box or a fire safe, just make sure the key is in a known accessible location.

If you have enough assets to arrange a trust, you should be talking to an estate and trust lawyer, not reading this. You might want to consider whether the estate tax will impact you. When the Tax Cut and Jobs Act expires, the un-taxed estate value will be cut in half for 2026. You might also want to consider starting to transfer assets early. The tax free gift amount is $18,000 for 2024. That is a lot of assets that can be transferred over a decade tax free. The federal estate taxes appear to have exclusions for some value of gifts, but not necessarily all of it.

My view is that the funeral is part of the process for the people left behind to come to terms with the passing of the parent. It is not a popularity contest or fashion show. Some people have different opinions on this, and that is OK. Understanding what is right for your parent and the children is part of the process of coming to terms with their passing and the grief.

How does your parent want their mortal remains handled? Do you know? Do your siblings know? Are you going to fight over it? When mom died, we had some different opinions on this topic, but we worked through it amicably. It helped that Kate and I spoke to mom about some of this while working through the health care PoA document, so we actually knew some of mom’s opinions for this. This AARP article has some interesting information and options that are not traditional.

Mom said she wanted only immediate family at her funeral. She did not need an expensive casket, the cheapest one would do. The cheapest one was a $500 plywood box made by the Amish. I am sure it would be sturdy and well crafted, but I think it would have traumatized her sisters. We went with a pretty wooden casket on the cheaper side. We never talked with her about music to play at her funeral, so we ended up playing some appropriate songs from musicians she liked and the song she selected for dad’s funeral and their tombstone engraving. I would have been happier, if we had actually talked to her about the music to play and clothes she wanted to wear.

These are some of the question you might want to ask about funeral plans:

1. Do you want to be buried or cremated?
2. Do you have a preference for casket style – metal, wood, color?
3. Where do you want your remains to reside (e.g., specific cemetery, family plot, etc)?
4. Have you already paid for a funeral plot? Which cemetary?
5. Have you already pre-paid the funeral? Which funeral home?
6. What clothes do you want to be wearing? Fancy? Everyday? Uniform?
7. What jewelry do you want to be wearing? Fancy? Everyday? Wedding ring?
8. Do you want to be buried with anything else? Family photos? Favorite pet photos?
9. What music do you want played? Arrival music? Departing music? Special song in the middle?
10. Do you want a viewing? Family only? Open to all?
11. Do you want flowers or donations to a cause? If flowers, what kind?
12. Who do you want to attend the funeral (e.g., immediate family, extended family, family and friends, anyone, etc.)?

Funerals are expensive. The one we arranged for mom was on the cheaper side at nearly $12,000. This is a huge burden to have dumped on most people at a stressful time. Many people do not even have that available. There are several options to work around this. The parent can:

• Pre-pay the funeral and cemetery expenses with a funeral home.
• Buy a small life insurance or burial insurance policy. Make sure the funeral home will wait for payment from the insurance and does not require immediate payment.
• Talk to their bank about adding a trusted agent to a primary account with enough money for funeral and final bills. Make sure your access remains after passing.
• Talk to your bank about opening a secondary savings or checking account to put enough money in to handle funeral expenses and final bills with joint owner of the executor. Make sure the joint owner can access the funds after passing. Make sure the joint owner can be trusted to not spend it.
• Cash in a fire safe
• Adopt a rich child.

There are various advantages and disadvantages to these, and there are doubtless other options. Expecting your children to figure out how to pay an unexpected $10,000 to $20,000 bill, while grieving, is not fair. Whatever the answers to the questions and planning for the funeral expenses, make sure it is recorded with the account and beneficiaries, filed in a known place, and the relevant people have copies.

My mother made some mistakes in her planning. We corrected these as best we could, but it was not ideal. Fortunately, it did not end in disaster. The following are some mistakes to avoid.